Had to talk myself through this one! ....and talk to others...

Patience with myself. And reaching out.
Two things I've had to learn to do.
still learning...........
Because I'm not a superhero[ine]! I'm human.
and because...Yes Brenda...sometimes you just cant do it alone.

Saturday morning I get a phone call.
Its a women who runs a segment on channel 3 on successful weight loss stories.
She wants me to be on her segment.

...............me on tv?
Telling my story?
wow. my mind got instantly busy.
..to talk about the thing in my life that has been the greatest struggle?
to expose myself. my greatest vulnerability.

Then I thought. Why should I tell my story as a success when lately I have been feeling..... defeated.

But I caught myself.
Its not about perfection.
Its about progress.
they arent looking for a perfect model who has no issues with food or body image.
(good cuz thats not me)
They are looking for a real story. to help inspire others to show they can transform their lives.
ok that i can do.
I'm not perfect.
I no longer want to be.
But I AM healthier. and I AM stronger.... in EVERY way.

And if this is an opportunity has came up without me looking for it. It must be for a reason. And I am not going to push it away because of FEAR.

.....So she gives me the details. The interview time. the location and directions to the studio.
I jot it down.
She says Brenda You are going to do great! I know you are.
...I was still kinda talking myself into feeling the same way...
I said to her,
This is scary. But I'm gonna do it anyway.
Thank you for the opportunity.

I'm still processing this.........
lots of emotion around it.
but ive decided to take the pressure off of being what I might think is expected.
To say, to look like, to sound like.
Just gonna go on there and be me ...share whats been of my journey so far.
With honesty.
I'll prolly be scared as fuck when I'm sitting in the studio.
But I do believe that everything happens for a reason.

Simple changes

I woke up this morning and decided I would go for a hike. Having been overweight I've always been self conscious about my body . ALthough I have come a long way, It completely frustrates me that I've worked so hard to transform my body yet have such a hard time feeling completely comfortable in my own skin and embracing my body.

SO this morning I said fuck it. well, not out loud, in my head. :) and I went hiking at camelback mountain in my sports bra. WOW. this was def a challenge for me! Whether hard to believe or not it is somethign scary for me! Something I had not done because of my constant pre-occupations with the "imperfections". Its so much easier to just cover up what you dont like.

As I was on the hike I made a decision to focus more on what I was experiencing. How beautiful the day was. The sky was gorgeous, it was cloudy, occasional raindrops were falling, there was a fresh breeze...I also decided to focus more on what I did have. My health, strong legs, and a even a bit of an adrenaline rush and energy from the excitement of doing something I wouldn't normally do.

By the time I got to the top my focus had completely changed! I was no longer thinking about the "jiggle" or that lonja I wanna get rid of. I thought about how amazing I felt. So {complete}

I Closed my eyes and FELT the breeze {caressing} my body.
I felt BeautiFull.
Not a beautiful based on being a certain weight, or having the perfect outfit n heels.
A sense of beauty from just being.
{ME}
Without
having to be more.

I was seriously amazed and surprised...I still am. That a simple change made such an impact, gave me hope. Because Sometimes it seems that some things will never change.

The scariest thing.

Fear- n.
(1) A feeling of agitation and anxiety, distressing emotion, caused by anticipation or presence of danger (real or imagined).

(2)a state marked by this emotion.
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To live in Fear is paralyzing. I have experienced it.

My life changed the day I decided to confront my greatest fear.
I {let go of perfection}.

When I let go of perfection I was finally able to experience ME.
Me without constantly striving to be more. Saying to myself I'm not enough.
Life, happiness, self acceptance seemed to be on hold until the next big goal was met.....if I could just lose 5 more pounds, get in better shape, finish school, pay off debt, get a better job ...bla bla bla... there was always something. to fix, something to change.
Letting go of perfection meant finally saying to myself (and believeing!) I am enough. NOW. Not living for the future. Living in this moment.

ME without the self-imposed limitations of fear.
ME truly living {fully} each moment, no longer distracted by the mental chatter caused by fear of anticipated pain. the what if's. what if i fall, what if I get hurt, what if its not perfect, what if I'm not perfect? what if its not enough, what if I'm not enough? what if I fail?

In order to continue moving forward. discovering. transforming. LIVING. {Without FEAR} I have decided to Do one thing every day that scares me. Based on Eleanor Roosevelt's inspiring words "Do one thing everyday that scares you".

Each day I will confront a fear.
{DO} something that scares me.

Life has never been so Beautifull!





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"My Heart Is Afraid that it will have to suffer"
the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams."
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~Brenda