The Photo

Doing a photo shoot today! my first!

So I've shared personal things bout my struggle with weight because I find its empowering, not only for myself, but those around me. So shit, here it is.

BEAUTIFUL THING IS.......

I remember having been at a point where the doctor was actually concerned about my weight, and at that time having been asked if I modeled? or, if would be interested in modeling? First thought in my mind {disbelief} ARE YOU serious? "Maybe if I was skinnier!!!

... because truly it wasn't about the weight..it was about seeing the value in myself, EMBRACING ME. truly. honestly. COMPLETELY.

Anyway TODAY I'm def not at my thinnest. BUT I'M HEALTHIER. STRONGER. (Strongest I've EVER been actually! In every sense of the word) SEXIER & MORE CONFIDENT (in my own skin!)

TODAY I AM ALIVE.

Soo I'm gonna do this photo shoot, not so much as a way of saying FUCK YOU to the media & our society which tries to put women in a box, form us to a certain "mold" and shame us when we don't exactly, "fit it"...ok, maybe a lil for that ;) ...BUT I'm doing it out of: LOVE (for myself & the beautiful {DIVERSE} women around me)... GRATITUDE & respect for LIFE....and to make a statement (if even only to myself) that YES, BEAUTIFUL comes in all shapes & sizes, it IS NOT SIMPLY DEFINED...and any pre-imposed definition (of beauty, of success, of anything!)

WILL NOT DEFINE US ANYMORE.



"There is nothing more powerful than a women that recognizes HER BEAUTY"



...its time, to see your own.

Eat. Pray. LOVE.

"....."This is it." I said to my mind., "This is your chance. Show me everything that is causing you sorrow. Let me see all of it. Don't hold anything back." One by one, the thoughts and memories of sadness raised their hands, stood up to identify themselves. I looked at each thought, each unit of sorrow, acknowledged its existence and FELT (without trying to protect myself from it) its horrible pain. And then I would tell that sorrow, "It's OK. I Love you. I accept you. Come into my heart now. It's over." I would actually FEEL sorrow (as if it were a living thing) enter my heart (as if it were an actual room). Then I would say "Next?" and the next bit of grief would surface. I would regard it, experience it, BLESS it, and invite it into my heart, too. I did this with every sorrowful thought I'd ever had- reaching back into years of memories until there was nothing left.

Then I said to my mind, "Show me your anger now." One by one, my life's every incident of anger arose and made itself known. Every injustice, every betrayal, every loss, every rage. I saw them all, one by one, and I acknowledged their existence. I FELT each piece of anger completely, as if it were happening for the first time, and then I would say, "Come into my heart now. You can rest here. It's safe now. It's over. I love you." This went on for hours, and I swung between these mighty poles of opposite feelings-experiencing the anger thoroughly for one bone-rattling moment, then experiencing a total coolness, as the anger entered my heart as if through a door, laid itself down, curled up against its brothers and GAVE UP FIGHTING.

Then came the most difficult part. "Show me your shame," I asked my mind. Dear God the horrors that I saw then. A pitiful parade of all my failures, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance. I didn't blink through any of it though. "Show me your worst," I said. When I tried to invite these units of shame into my heart, they each hesitated at the door, saying "No-you don't want ME in there....don't you know what I did?" And I would say, "I DO want you. Even you. I DO. Even you are welcome here. It's OK. You are forgiven. YOU ARE A PART OF ME. You can rest now. It's over."

When this was all over. I was empty. Nothing was fighting in my mind anymore. I looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and SAW ITS CAPACITY. I saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even after having taken in and tended to all those calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame..............."




MY heart can easily receive and (for)GIVE even more
A lot MORE.
ITS LOVE IS INFINITE.


So why not give it freely?
Fearlessly.
-Without-
Conditions.
Limitations.
Reservation.
Judgment.
{The Need to Control}

(after all....)

Love
TRUE LOVE is not captured.
{But}
truly
FREE

Progress not Perfection "The Interview"

A bit about MY Journey.

I know what its like to be so ashamed of my body, so uncomfortable in my own skin, that in the HOT Arizona summers growing up I wore a huge thick sweater out in the sun (heat in the 120's!) Enduring the feeling of suffocation was all worth it, as long as people didn't see ME. My BODY.

For as far back as I remember I felt like I needed to fix my body, it was always UNACCEPTABLE.

Yes, at one point, I really was overweight, I remember having difficulty breathing just to bend down and put on my shoes.... having to take breaks! Around this time was when I realized things needed to change. It was time to take care of myself. My first successful weight loss consisted of diet shakes. Every three hours, all day, everyday. I lost weight, but sure enough once I couldn't do it any longer (who can live on shakes forever!?!) most of the weight came back on. That was my story for years. WORK HARD. lose weight. gain it back ...sometimes more.

FINALLY I learned the concept of simply making healthier food choices and staying active, learning effective exercises, and maintaining my weight for a couple of years. Unfortunately, fit and healthy was not enough for me. Without realizing it, my strive to become healthier and take care of myself became an obsession with perfection. Having the perfect body, fitting into a certain size, reaching a certain number on the scale. Once again, I WAS ASHAMED. Once again, UNACCEPTABLE. So full of fear to regain the weight I had lost, that I was afraid to LIVE. Afraid to EAT. Every meal became just a number of calories, grams of carbohydrates. My diet and exercise regimen so rigid it controlled my life. These challenging times were a blessing in disguise, forcing me to once again, CHOOSE to take care of ME. Because this was no longer discipline, It was punishment! Overweight, under weight, it didn't matter...I LET WEIGHT DEFINE ME.
IT DOESN'T.

There is so much emphasis in our society to be SKINNY....underweight even. idealistic. unrealistic. unhealthy. rigid standards of "beauty". Constantly promoting a literally "sickening" obsession with food and negative body image.

Today its time to shift focus towards being HEALTHY and HAPPY. To promote Life, nourishment, self-LOVE and self-acceptance!

I attained my masters in occupational therapy at USC because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of individuals with disabilities, to help them reach their potential and live meaningful , fulfilling lives. Not too long after graduating, I came to realize that a person's inability to LOVE, accept and care for their WHOLE BEING {body and soul} is just as disabling.

I'm not perfect, and no longer care to be! (OVER-rated! ;) ONE DAY AT A TIME STILL RINGS TRUE EACH DAY. Each day I must remind myself to LOVE and respect myself and do things only for those reasons. Each day, I still must remind myself that ONE DAY AT A TIME I CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING.
So can you.

Each of us DESERVE (and have the right!) to live our lives FULLY EACH DAY regardless of weight, of size... of anything!

Today, my greatest struggle has become my greatest blessing, leading me to DISCOVER MY PASSION. To share what I've lived and learned, to do what I can to help empower others to LIVE BEAUTIfull.

"We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be". — Anne Lamott